So, when I’m using Stumbleupon out of desperate boredom instead of doing my homework, I’m always secretly keeping an eye out for sites using the GameNow theme by WPNow. Why? Because I find it hilarious to see “gaming blogs” that use a theme so obviously based off of Gamespot (hell, even WPNow says the theme was influenced by Gamespot). Sure are big shoes to fill if you think you’re legitimate enough to get away with a Gamespot ripoff for your blog theme.

So, without further ado, here’s my pointless review on “NoobTalk, The Art of Being Noob”

Site Design

Okay, I’ve already pointed out the fact that their layout is a blatant ripoff of Gamespot, but that doesn’t mean the design is clean. It’s easy to find what I need without feeling like the site is cluttered, and, wouldn’t you know it, the site begins to feel like a legitimate site, but we’ll see how well that rounds out once we get to the writing.

However, did I forget to mention how much their logo makes me want to stab someone? Did anybody SERIOUSLY put any effort into it?

“Hur hur if I put glasses on the logo it’ll show the visitors that the writer is a nerd so he knows about games and technology! Oh, here’s another creative idea, lets make the face a talk bubble coming out of the word “talk” like talk is talking! Then lets give it googely eyes to show the writers are silly and zany! Ha ha ha!”

My guess is no, but I digress, considering my own logo (self designed tyvm) isn’t exactly anything clever or special. *cough Yes it is it’s awesome cough*

So, other than those minor nuisances, I don’t find anything wrong with their design (unless you want me to get into how much I hate the layout for any SMF theme in existence…in which case I’m going to avoid reviewing the design of their forum at all.)

The Writing

Ahh yes, now lets poke at the heart of the blog, the writing itself. As is with the case of any website, the author’s writing style can easily make or break the site’s success. Provide insightful, entertaining writing, they will come. Be a biased, full-of-yourself egotistical writer who’s got nothing new to share, and you’ve got the author(s) of Noobtalk. The writing there is so awful that it makes me want to cringe into oblivion so I never have the misfortune of ever coming across anything like it ever again. Let me show you my favorite tidbits of writing that show just how humorous and well-articulated the writers are!

Now for the most important part of the review! The graphics!!!

They’re good.

Haha, you said it was the most important part and then neglected to do any detailed review. Haha. Funny.

Basically the story is about the US screwing the pooch in the first game, only to have it thrown back in their faces – like a circus clown getting a pie in their face. If the pie is a Nuke, and the face is their face AND balls.

Haha, you said balls. That’s funny because people wouldn’t normally say that in real life, but you’re so zany you said it anyway. Congrats on the fantastic metaphor as well.

Really, Mr. Bowling? Why not do a fucking :facepalm:, while you’re at it? You make games for GAMERS – we are your CONSUMERS and you SERVE us.

Since when do they SERVE us? They’re free to release whatever game they want. Someone’s got a swelled ego. And let’s all not forget the “Infinity Ward, I don’t love you anymore” post, which is even going to get its own paragraph!

First off: have you even PLAYED the pc version of Modern Warfare 2, Mr. Oz? Or, are you just jumping on the bandwagon of retards who have never played the game and just assume the game must suck because the PC version is butchered (yes, I agree it’s butchered)? Maybe if you’d actually play the game (like I have), you’d realize that just because you can’t mod the game to make it retarded doesn’t mean it’s not still extremely fun. Second, if you haven’t PLAYED the game, what gives you the right to bitch out Infinity Ward for it? Oh wait, right, bandwagon. My bad! Have fun with your egotistical attitude of how everything Infinity Ward does has to be just for you. You do realize that it’s impossible to make everybody love everything about a game, right? Just because you jumped the bandwagon don’t like something in the game doesn’t mean it doesn’t work. It probably just means you’re ignorant (judging from your posts so far).

Honestly, I’d review some of your other posts, but they’re so pointless I can’t even tell if they mean anything. Seriously, the product placement post gets to no conclusion at all. Nothing new, no major points, nothing. Hell, I could write a post with only the sentence “product placement in games” and it’d be just as useful to any random visitor.

Final Conclusion

This site is a joke of a gaming site. They put the NO in noob.

So, it looks like Bing is pushing its way back into Cable airtime, running yet another campaign of their fucking annoying “Search Overload” advertisements. Frankly, I’m tired of seeing these annoying ads, because they deliver no real content or reason to *bing* and decide. Let me pick it apart for you:

Google does not give as irrelevant as results as the commercial would like you to think. In fact, I’m willing to bet the results were turned up using Bing itself, as every time I’ve tried to use it, I’ve got nothing but random bullshit. It’s as if they have it take the page 56 results from a matching Google search, and handing that to you.

What the FUCK is this “SEARCH OVERLOAD” bullshit they keep trying to push on me? I mean, if I’m using search engines way too much, why the fuck would I need another search engine? If I’m ill with “SEARCH OVERLOAD”, searching more but on a different site isn’t going to “cure” the problem dumbasses. That’d be like trying to cure herpes with sex with people who are having a fucking outbreak.

Bing and DECIDE? What the hell does the fucking piece of shit decide? What color socks I’m going to wear today? Can I type in “Should I go to Hawaii or California?” and it’ll give me a short survey to help me decide? If not, it’s doing no more good toward decisions than Google or Yahoo! answers or any general forum already does! Seriously, don’t label your shit as “revolutionary with this feature” if its not doing anything new! People are going to figure that out as soon as they type in “Should I tell my child unicorns are real?” and they don’t get a fucking decision.

Seriously Microsoft, give it up. You’re becoming really fucking annoying.

As a blog owner, you know traffic control is a must. So, what if your blog is becoming junked up with visitors, or even worse, people who click on the ads, therefore giving you money? Here are 5 easy methods of making sure the people who spend time on your website never come back, so you don’t have to worry about being popular or earning money online!

1. Make sure you autoplay some random music on your blog! I mean, if they’re already listening to their own music, don’t like the same genre of music, or if they’re trying to keep the sound from their speakers muted, they’re going to hate when your site blasts some random sounds into their eardrums!
2. Disguise your content! The whole point people GO to websites is to view content, so what better way to drive them away than by burying your content in 3 miles of Adsense and random links? Make sure to use the same colors and awkward spacing in your content, that way your visitors won’t be able to tell where the ads end and the content starts!
3. Make your sidebar infinitely tall! There’s nothing visitors hate more (than the two listed above) than a sidebar that has more total content than the blog itself! I mean, the loading time itself is excruciating! So, the key here is to find as many traffic exchange widgets and social networking widgets as you can, and stuff them right into your sidebar! That way even a T1 connection will take 10 minutes to load your blog!
4. Be repetitive and redundant! Content is king! I know you’ve probably read that statement on 1,000 blogs already, which is exactly my point! If you blog about the same exact topics as your competitors, there will be no reason for visitors to come to your blog in the first place! Another benefit is that you can go to your competitors for post ideas!
5. Be a mom blogger…with attitude! There’s nothing a visitor finds more clichè than a catchphrase such as “I’m a mother, I’m a giver, and an all around bitch!” You’ll be sure to stand out as dull person who, for some reason, finds educational television to be over-stimulating!

There we have it, 5 easy ways to free up bandwidth on your site and reduce your Adsense income! If you need some more inspiration for crappifying your website, make sure to visit hosanna1!