Oh Razer, your sexy mice have received such high acclaim by the general public, especially from gamers. Sure, you may cost a bit extra, but that’s the price for elegance, style, and beauty all in a single package. When I looked for a keyboard to replace the shitty one Microsoft shit into my hands, your beautiful Razer Lycosa caught the gleam in my eye and pulled me in like a free case of mountain dew. I couldn’t resist, the $70 was nothing to me as previous experience and box marketing told me I was getting one of the top products on the market. You were sleek, you were back-lit, you were shiny, and you promised to behave, and I made you mine. You promised you would respond fast, you promised me a convenient touchpad so I could manipulate my media player from in game, you knew what I wanted and promised to deliver.

I brought you home and unpacked you with care; you were my new baby, I wasn’t going to harm you, not even on accident. I pulled you out and saw your reflection in my eye from my reflection off of you. You were well polished, sexy, lightweight, everything I’ve always wanted. I eagerly took you immediately to 3rd base and put your sexy male USB connectors into my PC’s female connectors. We were a perfect fit together, both of us knew that. Sure, my greasy fingers left obvious smudges on your glossy finish, but looks aren’t everything in a relationship, especially our relationship.

But not was all it was meant to be. You just couldn’t let me have it all, could you? Sure, installing a driver to control the lighting is no big deal, but why must you hurt me and make me choose between media player freedom and backlighting control? Perhaps I’d like to use Zune media player while still having the WASD cluster lighting active. Or perhaps I’d like to use foobar with the backlighting turned off. You also forced me into your little box, by bugging when I didn’t have the driver installed. You’d change your lighting and not go back, with my only resort being to installing the driver (you wouldn’t even respond to reboots!).

Then you started failing to deliver on your promises. Your touchpad media keys became unresponsive, leaving me with only my custom hotkeys left. Then your keys began to bug while I was playing my favorite FPS’, leaving me unable to walk left, right, or STOP walking left or right. When I have you coming in through the back, it’s no fun having to plug you back in, mid-action. You also failed on your cluster promise. You forced me to use Shift for brake in racing games, because you couldn’t handle Up, Left, and Down like you said you could. Why did you lie to me, Lycosa? Why did you take our relationship and crash it into the ground?

Oh Razer, I don’t know how much I can trust you anymore. I gave you a chance, and you took advantage of me. How can you prove to me that it’s worth my while to forgive you?

To put it blunt, I give this keyboard a 2/5. Sure, it’s functional, but not completely, and for the $70 price tag that’s way to much to ask for. You’d be better off finding a different keyboard.